The One Where I Don't Talk about Will Smith
Me, age 1.
Many Black people, leaders in thought and scholarship, have requested that white folks refrain from opining about the Oscars event. Are we forbidden to discuss it? Of course not. Humans love to gossip and it's human nature to have opinions. Look out for anyone who doesn't seem to have ANY! It's been an important conversation in our household. Our autistic 17 year-old is regularly teased, dismissed, and judged for something he has no control over. Before this all happened, he made a comment at a family gathering about his sister that was inappropriate. My words to him were we never say mean things to someone, especially about their appearance or something they can't control. Later, he sincerely and humbly apologized to her. Seth often makes blunt and forthright comments and they may sound "mean," but, in his case, they are usually due to a common feature of the autistic personality. He's learning! Sometimes he pauses for a while before he replies. He told me that he's thinking through what he's about to say to be sure it's appropriate.
I hate "comedy" that is cruel. I think of myself as a funny person, but comedy that is self-effacing or derived from observations of the world's absurdity is different from attack comedy. I am especially averse to people who say cruel things followed by I'm just kidding! The implication is that there is something wrong with you if you can't take a joke.
As a kid, my siblings teased me about my physical appearance and things I couldn't easily change. I had a lisp and sometimes still do. I used to walk with my feet turned out and they called me Duck Feet. I had a crooked front tooth and they called me Snaggle Tooth. Yeah. All siblings do this but I had no parent to defend me. Seth has me. More than once I've had words with people in public and with extended family for their insensitivity. Seth knows I'd go to the mat for him. Would I actually hit someone? No, because 1) I've have no idea how to fight, and 2) I don't want to get sued. But believe me, there are so many times I have wanted to.
This brings me to trauma. I've explored trauma though a variety of lenses. My primary interest is in how it affects my own physical health and whether it contributes to my chronic migraine disease. Of late, I have worked with a therapist who does EMDR, a particular form of trauma therapy. I've been shocked at what has come up! I know intellectually that I've been a survivor of trauma, but to feel it and then to confront it has been powerful. And healing. I still suffer with almost daily migraines, but I feel so much less angry and troubled. I wish I'd known about this decades ago. To be fair, I've had therapy and worked in many healing modalities since my thirties. Only now am I beginning to see how PTSD has affected my relationships, my career, and my health.
It's not written by a POC, but by a psychiatrist.
I have generally thought of my childhood as a happy one. At a memorial service last week, a cousin remarked that yes, addiction had affected their family, but it was nothing compared to the horrible childhood I experienced. I had a long drive and a lot of time to think about that. Whenever I've had to tell my story (and that happens a great deal in ministry, since we get evaluated and are expected to work on our own mental and spiritual well-being) I've garnered similar responses from professionals: shock and empathy for what I lived through. Here's just a few highlights:
* sudden death of mother at age 5. No grief period. Forbidden to speak of her.
* subsequent re-marriage of my father, which brought an abusive step-mother and 4 sons into our home, upending our lives as we had known them. Sexual abuse by oldest step-brother.
* Alcoholism in parents, siblings, and most extended family. One aunt and two uncles (one a step-uncle) died as a direct result of alcohol addiction.
* Subject to lies, betrayals, and narcissism of alcoholics for most of my childhood and early adult life.
* Loss of first baby.
* Divorce when my sons were very young.
* extended custody battle
* attacks by dysfunctional and troubled church members
* death of nephew by drugs
* years of addiction and alcoholism of my sons (now sober thank heavens)
* development of migraine disease
* estrangement and distance from siblings
Nonetheless, I do not think of myself as traumatized. I have four wonderful children, a pretty good second marriage, a successful and rewarding career, and a place to live that I adore. I'm far from rich but I'm financially secure. I've helped people. I have followed many dreams: international travel, writing as an avocation, advanced degrees, and numerous hobbies. I have some of the best friends a woman could ask for. I've known and worked with remarkable individuals. Other than having migraines, my health is exceptional. There have been a few times when I've been told that a procedure or surgery could result in death, and I always think, I'm okay with that. I'm at peace. I have endeavored to live with integrity and authenticity. I've learned to love myself. I have had so many teachers and healers in my life who have helped me see myself and my world with clarity. Having to set boundaries has made me some enemies and for sure, there are those who resent me.
Enough about that.
All of this goes to say that being even a relatively happy and reasonably successful person does not mean that at times trauma won't affect your actions and reactions. The things I regret most are things about myself: times when my anger and repressed feelings have caused me to be unreasonably bitter, even harsh toward the people I love the most. I can't change that, but I can take responsibility. I can try to make amends.
I'm still learning. It's one more way in which migraine has led me to become a more whole human. The path leads on.
